Talk for Story "How California’s new privacy law will affect consumers’ personal data"

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  1. Other

    I found the article balanced, though I might have wanted to hear a more from the pro side. I would also like to hear from Goldman whether there were constitutional issues which might invalidate the law in the courts.

  2. Rewrite

    “However, law experts and privacy advocates told WikiTribune that the policy isn’t what it seems.” is not satisfactory as a second paragraph. For one thing, it suggests that the policy is actually deceptive, that under the guise of seeming to be a policy on privacy it is in fact a policy on something else. It also conflates the notion of policy and law: the opening paragraph talks about law, this second one about policy.

    I think what you’re wanting to say here is that the new law is intended by its proponents to give Californian citizens “more rights and power to control personal information companies collect about them”, which doesn’t come in until paragraph 11, but that some legal experts and consumer rights advocates have said that it will not have the desired effect.

    1. Rewrite

      Thanks for your comment Jennifer,

      I don’t think “not what it seems” definitely suggests deliberate deception, but I have clarified the second paragraph as follows: “However, law experts and privacy advocates told WikiTribune that the legislation might not have the intended effect of giving citizens more control over personal data.”

      As always, on things like this please do free to hit the edit button and make your suggested changes directly into the story.

  3. Rewrite

    Very hard to see how a story with a title in the format of “Why X should do Y” or “Why X should not do Y” can end up neutral.

    I am quite sure that I’m vaguely inclined to agree with you, but for WikiTribune, I think we should simply state the facts: what does the law do, what are supporters and critics saying about it, and maybe something like how are other states looking at their options in this space.

    1. Rewrite

      This is just a working head influenced by what both supporters and critics have told me in interviews, which I’ve yet to put onto the draft. But I see your point, will make the head more “neutral” for now.

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